11.26.2006

character growing...

throughout my recent blog blackout, i've been in one of the most testing situations of my life. i'm sorry to say that i buckled under the pressure. i was spending time with family for a week. i love my family and i love the particular member who was making my life and the lives of those closest to me, a living hell, but i responded poorly to the pressure.

the story in its entirety is a tale for another time, when the clock isn't breathing down my neck. suffice it to say that i've never been treated with so much disrespect and disdain before. the problem is, like i said, i didn't rise to the challenge. i took the abuse quietly but it didn't stop there. i've talked with almost everyone i know, even strangers, about this person and their imbalance. i've been angry at her and not told her about it, i've been extremely passive-aggressive toward her and i've wished, several times, that i could just put her in her place.

this whole situation just goes to show that the progress i thought i was making in my attitude; learning to be less judgemental and more loving, was not the giant leap i'd taken it for but only a small step at a snail's pace. i've GOT TO find a way to remember that Jesus loves her just as much as he loves me, and that i deserve the same fate that i'm so ready to condemn her to.

but i didn't.

i judged.

i complained (behind her back of course).

i'm sorry. i know that she's oblivious to the whole thing, but i wish there was some way to let her know how much she hurt me, how poorly i reacted and how sorry i am for reacting that way.

i've got a long way to go to becoming the child of God that i sometimes think i am.

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